Days of Las Noches
by Sariniste
Summary: As part of a peace treaty, Orihime offers to stay in Las Noches to be with Ulquiorra and help him learn more about humanity. They end up falling for each other even though they don't understand each other. AU, humor, UlquiHime.
1. Night at the Movies

**Days of Las Noches**

**Chap. 1: Night at the Movies**

**A/N:** My first UlquiHime! Inspired, sort of, by the new Unmasked book. AU, humor.

In this story, the Winter War never happened. Instead, there was a peace treaty between Aizen and Yamamoto. Yamamoto refuses to include Orihime's return as part of the peace treaty, so Ichigo is going to break the treaty and come rescue her anyway. In order to keep the peace, Orihime insists that she wants to stay in Las Noches to be with Ulquiorra because she has fallen for the dour Espada. At some point, she realizes that her pretence has become truth.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach.

(Originally posted 6/7/2011.)

XxXxXxX

Orihime was sitting at her desk in her room in Las Noches, staring out the window at the endless night. Her laptop was open in front of her, but she was no longer seeing the screen. She sighed. She had to admit Hueco Mundo was a pretty boring place. There wasn't anything to do, and some days she missed her friends.

It helped that she had convinced Aizen to introduce the Internet into Las Noches, and install wireless access points all over the fortress. At least she could chat with her friends now. Szayel had built a new site called EspadaBook that she could use to communicate with friends back home as well as her new friends in Hueco Mundo. Of course, Gin had already hacked it twice. The first time, he replaced everybody's photos with bunnies and tried to get them to believe that Rukia was the culprit. That hadn't lasted long. Now he had replaced everybody's photos with pictures of Aizen, except for Aizen's, which had been replaced with a picture of Orihime.

She pulled up the site, and stared, in some distress, at the picture of herself over the name "Aizen Sousuke." Surely Aizen-sama would be angry, and maybe he would blame her. Gin already kept teasing her whenever she was in Aizen's presence, saying that she was the real ruler of Hueco Mundo. Aizen always remained calm during these jibes, but they made Orihime a little nervous.

She knew Aizen didn't like rivals.

Of course, it had been written into the peace treaty that she would not be harmed, and Aizen had promised her he would keep all its terms. He had kept his promises. So far.

She sighed. It was kind of sad, after all, she thought as she shut down EspadaBook and browsed over to the news in Karakura Town, that the most excitement they ever had was Gin hacking their website. He was probably bored too. She certainly missed doing something a little more lively. With the truce, there was a lot less fighting, and a lot less noise. She noticed idly that a new movie was playing at the Karakura Town theater nearest her old apartment, and sighed again.

It could get to be really quiet in Las Noches.

There was a knock on the door and Ulquiorra entered. Orihime turned to watch him. His black hair was getting a little shaggy, she thought. Maybe it would be time to give him another haircut soon. Although he hadn't been too happy with the last one she gave him. She frowned. It wasn't her fault that she had gotten distracted in the middle of the cut and had started imagining that she was a gardener on Mars trimming hedges in the low gravity.

Ulquiorra hadn't shown any outward signs of anger about the buzz cut, but she hadn't been able to find the scissors for a week.

Maybe she was starting to be able to decipher his emotions.

"It will soon be time for dinner," said Ulquiorra. "Are you ready to go?"

She looked at him and sighed. "Sure."

The expression on his face did not change, but he said, "What is wrong? You were the one who suggested that we eat in the main Las Noches dining room rather than having me bring your meals to you each night."

She twisted a strand of hair around her finger. "Well, as soon as I stopped being a prisoner, it seemed really silly for you to keep doing all that work."

"So? What is the difficulty now?" His voice was neutral but she could sense a hint of exasperation behind it. He still found her moods confusing.

"Oh…" she said, "it's just that …" She paused, then gathered her courage and the words all came tumbling out. "Don't you think that it's kind of boring? Every night, we eat dinner together, and then you bring me back to my room. Nothing ever changes."

Ulquiorra looked at her. "I thought that peace was what you wanted."

"Well," she argued, "I didn't want all the fighting and killing going on. But that doesn't mean that I want nothing to ever happen."

Ulquiorra stared at her. "What do you want to happen, onna, uh, Orihime?" He was still not used to using a name for her, but she had asked him to call her by name, so he was complying since it seemed to matter to her.

"Well, since you're kind of my boyfriend now, maybe we should do something that boyfriends and girlfriends usually do."

If Ulquiorra could look thunderstruck, he would have. Instead, he stiffened and his eyes flicked to the door, as though he wanted to escape. His face remained expressionless. "What might you have in mind?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know…" she said. Then her eyes lit up, remembering what she had just seen on the web. "Oh! I know! Ulquiorra, let's go to the movies!"

His face went blank for a moment. "Movies?" he asked. "What is that?"

She clasped her hands together in eagerness. "Oh, it's like when you go to the theater, and there's a movie screen, and they play a film, you know, with actors, and it tells a story and it's a lot of fun!" She bounced off the couch and grinned at Ulquiorra. "I know a great place in Karakura Town. I just checked the web site and saw what they're playing."

Ulquiorra stared at her, completely bewildered. "Onna, what are you talking about? What is a _theater_? Or _film_? Or _actors_?"

"Oh," she said, stopping mid-bounce in dismay. "I forgot that you've never seen one." She cast about for a way to explain it that he would understand. "It's like a moving picture on the screen," she began, and then ground to a halt at his uncomprehending stare.

"Well…" she hesitated, not sure how to explain yet another cultural artifact that was completely new to him. Then it came to her. "Do you ever watch surveillance videos here?"

"Of course," Ulquiorra replied. "My duties for Aizen-sama require my presence in security. All security staff take turns checking the videos for intruders or suspicious activity."

"It's just like a security video on the screen, only it's not real."

"Not real?" he said, clearly puzzled.

"Yeah, it's a bunch of actors," she began in a breathless rush. "People who are playing a part, a part in a story. They film them, just like you'd take a picture with the security video, and then play it in a theater in front of a bunch of people who pay money to watch. And you get popcorn and soda and sit in the theater with your friends and watch the film." She grinned, pleased with herself for thinking of the explanation, but Ulquiorra was still staring at her in bewilderment.

"You take surveillance videos of people who are deceiving you? And then you pay money for this?"

Orihime scrunched up her face. Ulquiorra stopped trying to puzzle out her words for a moment just to enjoy the cute expression on her face. He still wasn't sure why it was so pleasing to look at the onna, but it was. He found that even though she was completely confusing, he still found in himself the odd desire to be around her, to talk with her, to listen to her. To try to understand her. If they hadn't been at peace, he would have been certain it was some type of enemy spell.

And yet… clearly she meant him no harm. She never meant anyone any harm.

She was finally living peacefully in Hueco Mundo. The Arrancar and Hollows had stopped trying to attack her (she thought it was just because she had talked to them about the benefits of peace, but Ulquiorra knew it was because he had destroyed three or four of the ones who had tried to attack her. After that, there had been no more disturbing the onna. There were benefits to being the fourth-ranked Espada) and he had thought that she was happy here.

Clearly, there was much he didn't yet know about her.

She was continuing her confusing explanation. "No, they're not deceiving us. They're _actors_. It's their job to play out scenes for movies."

"Their profession is presenting false images to surveillance videos?" He was still puzzled. Then he remembered a previous conversation with her where she had explained another new term to him. "Ah. I remember now. They are _spies_. Do they work for the government then?" He was proud of himself for remembering the lengthy explanation she had given him of the covert work done by government agents sneaking around the world of the living.

But Orihime was wrinkling her face now in a way that meant she was frustrated. He was slowly getting better at deciphering her complex facial expressions and translating them into a scale he had developed to measure whether she was feeling good or bad. This was about a negative three on that scale, he estimated.

"No!" she cried. "This is for _fun_! There aren't any spies, or secrets to discover here, because the movie is just fiction. It isn't true."

He looked at her again. "It's pleasurable to you to watch surveillance videos that have been deliberately constructed to deceive the watchers? Why is that fun? So that afterward you can punish these… 'actors'?"

Orihime sighed. "No. It's not deception. And nobody's getting punished!" Her voice rose alarmingly.

He shook his head. He still didn't understand, but he didn't want the onna getting unhappy. Maybe she could answer a different question. "Why are we supposed to watch this surveillance video? Is there a danger to the world of the living?"

She exhaled loudly. "No. No danger. We go out to enjoy ourselves, and eat popcorn."

Ulquiorra decided to placate her, even though he still had no clue what she was talking about. "Ah, I see. The popcorn plays an important part in keeping the humans in the world of the living safe from danger, so that you can enjoy yourselves."

She stared at him, and then started giggling. "I guess you could say the popcorn is important." She couldn't keep herself from laughing, bending over on the couch, unable to stop, while he simply watched her stoically, waiting to make sure that she wouldn't hurt herself. Finally she caught her breath. "Well, are you willing to go with me to a movie theater anyway, Ulquiorra?"

He looked at her, deadpan. "Yes, Orihime. If it makes you happy, I will go watch this surveillance video and eat popcorn in front of it to help you keep the human world safe from these spies."

Still bent over, and hiccupping with laughter, Orihime finally straightened and hooked her arm through his. "Good! I'll check to see what's playing, and then you can open a garganta to take us there."

"Of course." Life with the onna was certainly interesting, Ulquiorra thought. Peace was definitely much more complicated than war. But still, he considered, as it occurred to him that he found the warmth of her arm pressed against his strangely enjoyable, it wasn't that bad after all.


	2. Inception and its Aftermath

**Days of Las Noches**

**Chap. 2: Inception and its Aftermath**

**A/N:** Ulquiorra and Orihime go to the movies! And Gin gets up to more trouble on EspadaBook. But this chapter takes a bit more of a serious turn and delves into some of the background of Ulquiorra's and Orihime's relationship. Hope no one minds… it just wrote itself that way.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach.

(Originally posted 1/29/2012.)

XxXxXxX

Gin sighed, putting his feet up on the table housing the security equipment, and looking up at the monitors one more time. Peace was really boring. It was hard to find people to stab with Shinsou anymore. There were all these _rules_, and even Aizen-sama wasn't as much fun as he used to be.

He rubbed his arm ruefully. After Aizen-sama's last punishment for his "defiling" of EspadaBook, one of his greatest sources of amusement had been taken away.

What was left to do? Things weren't the same when he wasn't able to cause trouble.

Then he spotted movement on one of the security cameras, and enhanced the image. Perhaps he could get someone lost. But when he saw who it was, he sighed again. It was Ulquiorra and Orihime, walking down one of the corridors to her room. If it had been Orihime alone, he would have been able to do it, but Ulquiorra knew all the corridors far too well. It was unlikely he could confuse him, and on top of it all Ulquiorra would be certain to tattle to Aizen-sama, thus sending Gin further into the doghouse this week. Instead, he leaned back and watched.

The girl was trying to take one of Ulquiorra's hands, but he was stubbornly keeping them stuffed in his pockets. Gin shook his head. He couldn't fathom why anyone would choose the emotionless Espada as a relationship partner, but then he thought the girl was perhaps the most ditzy human he had ever met.

Gin grinned as a sudden idea struck him. Surely Aizen-sama wouldn't mind this time, if the next prank was played on someone other than him. And since Las Noches was so big that he couldn't walk around and tweak people randomly the way he used to do in Soul Society, he'd just have to do it virtually.

Ignoring Orihime and Ulquiorra's antics for the moment, he spun around and turned to one of the control computers in the room. Setting his long fingers on the keyboard, he began.

XxXxXxX

"But Ulquiorra," Orihime was saying, "why don't you want to hold my hand in public? Are you ashamed of being with me?"

"Of course not," the black-haired Arrancar replied tonelessly. "However, when my hand is trapped by yours, it reduces my effectiveness in battle. It would take me a fraction of a second longer to attack an enemy. Thus, it is dangerous for both of us, because it decreases my fighting capability. Therefore, holding hands is inefficient."

"But Ulquiorra—" The onna seemed close to tears, although why she would become so emotional over a mere battle tactic was something Ulquiorra found difficult to understand. Of course, so much about the onna was difficult to comprehend. Indeed, his own fascination with her was something that he still didn't completely fathom. Why was it even worth spending time discussing these matters?

Still, he found himself wanting to make the onna smile, instead of seeing her eyes grow big and wet.

"Very well. I propose a compromise," he said. "It is relatively unlikely that anyone of sufficient strength to pose a threat will appear in the corridors of Las Noches. Therefore, while we are here, I will agree to accept your restriction of my movements."

Apparently he had said the wrong thing again, because the onna's face expressed sadness.

"Oh, Ulquiorra. Do you see my holding your hand as a restriction?"

"It does constrain me from reaching my weapons or attacking an opponent, so yes, it is a restriction. That is a simple fact. It has nothing to do with my—" He still hesitated over using the word, but he had learned by now it was the right thing to do when around the onna, "—feelings for you."

At that Orihime brightened. "Oh, I'm glad to hear that, Ulquiorra!" A grin on her face now, she took Ulquiorra's hand happily. "All right, are we ready to go to the movies then?"

XxXxXxX

Much later that evening, as they strolled back slowly from the theater, walking along the darkened streets of Karakura Town to the park where they could open a garganta, Orihime chattered excitedly about the movie.

"Didn't you love it, Ulquiorra?" Her face was bright and animated, and Ulquiorra found himself feeling those odd sensations of pleasure as he gazed upon her face. There was something so appealing about a happy Orihime that it made him alter his behavior over and over again. It was certainly not rational, but he could not deny the meaning and interest it had brought into a life that had been rather empty before she came into it.

"Yes," he replied, trying to think of something to say that would please her. Truthfully, he had not really understood the meaning of most of the flickering images he had recently observed. Indeed, most of his attention had been caught by the sensation of Orihime's warm, sweet-scented body cuddling up against his gigai as they sat side-by-side in the dark theater. Her hair had fallen over his arm as he held her close. It was surprising how warm her hair was. And the little sounds she made as she snuggled against him had made certain parts of his gigai… respond in astonishing ways, so much so that at first he wondered if it was defective.

The truth was that although Ulquiorra was calm, confident, and efficient at being a warrior, his little secret was that he was really rather inexperienced in many ways about life as a sentient being. He had been little more than a creature of animal urges, eat or be eaten, as a Hollow. When Aizen had treated him with the Hougyoku and he had gained sentience, the world had suddenly become astonishing and new. At first, he had clung to loyalty to Aizen as the one constant in a shifting, confusing new environment. Although he could think for himself, and feel, it had seemed to him that the most rational course of action was simply to obey Aizen absolutely in all things. The powerful shinigami was so much more experienced than him, was brilliant enough to give him the gift of awareness… so he owed him gratitude as well as loyalty. Aizen had been pleased with him, and that was enough for Ulquiorra. All other beings were simply trash.

But although Aizen had given him one kind of awakening, that of rationality and sentience, Orihime had brought him to another, even more profound change. During his time as her captor, he had found himself thinking over and over about their interactions, dwelling on their conversations. She was puzzling to him. Her behavior was apparently irrational, yet it was completely self-consistent. He found himself at first curious about her, then fascinated. He made excuses to enter her chamber and have conversations with her; he found himself wanting to make her react to him. Indeed, he found himself actually listening to her and considering that what she said might be the truth after all.

One day, when she had been talking with him about the "heart," he had suddenly understood, in a blinding flash, that there was an entirely new dimension he had been unaware of. In a split second, Orihime had given his life meaning, and made each day something far more than a series of tasks to be performed as efficiently and punctually as possible. For this reason, although he had given his rational allegiance to Aizen, now he gave his emotional allegiance, and what he realized was his heart, to Orihime. And although he would never admit it to Aizen, there was now a being he placed before his lord and master.

Nevertheless, he was still more naïve than a human teenager in more ways than one. For example, he was still a virgin in this form. Although he had had sexual encounters in previous lives, his memory of such things was vague. As a Hollow, such urges did not even exist for him. But now, with the same paralyzing shyness a human virgin could feel in this situation, each time he was near Orihime, he was swamped with emotions of such power he sometimes wondered if he could continue to function. He did not know what to say or do. Above all else, he did not want to hurt or offend her. She was so innocent, and so delicate… yet so strong and so brave. And although his rational self tried to tell him that there was no logical reason for him to be drawn to her in this way, his deeper self, the part of him that in many ways was his true self, went right ahead and kept company with Orihime, ignoring all else.

And now, every time he gazed upon her beautiful face, her huge grey eyes full of innocence and affection, the elegant and softly curving figure, he felt as though his body were passing through a shower of sparks, a tingling explosion surging through his core merely at the sight of her; it was simply astonishing that a creature could be so perfect in form. As his eyes settled upon her soft, dewy skin, he wanted to stroke it with his pale fingers, wanted to touch her, claim her with an intensity that would have frightened him had he been capable of fright. And when she leaned toward him and her delicate scent inundated his nose, it took all of his resolve not to grip her in his arms with all of his inhuman strength and press his body to hers, skin to skin, length to length, to hold her tightly, to not let there be more than a millimeter of space between every molecule of her being and his own… to become one with her.

The feelings threatened to overwhelm him with their power, but he did not know what to do with them. Physical contact, for him, had only ever involved killing or devouring. He did not want to harm her or even frighten her. Instead, he proceeded cautiously, learning her bit by bit, storing away each piece of new information in his agile mind. Thank goodness she was forgiving of error, because he well knew that he made many mistakes as he took his first cautious steps into the world of human relationships. This unusual forgiveness was only part of what made her special, unique among all others. Still, he wanted to please her, and he knew she appreciated it whenever he tried.

For this reason, he had taken a few minutes to research "movies" on the internet before they came to the human world this evening. From reading various movie "reviews," he had deduced that humans liked to string together certain stock phrases from a limited set of appropriate vocabulary about movies. There was a standard pattern of human conversation about films, and Ulquiorra had even memorized a few phrases so he could converse with Orihime about the film. She placed much store in "talking" about their joint experiences, and bit by bit, he was learning more of the delightful puzzle that was Orihime.

"It was a rather sophisticated comedy," he began, picking a phrase at random from the wording on a Wikipedia page describing movie genres. But he was stopped by Orihime's peal of laughter.

"Ulquiorra! _Inception_ isn't a comedy! Whatever makes you think so?" Her face was puzzled now.

"Well, clearly all those odd vehicles the humans used in the film were intended to convey humor." He stared at her, noting the expression of confusion and filing it away for further study. "Although I admit not having sonido is a severe limitation, I cannot truly understand this human fascination with means of transportation." He ticked off the varieties of transportation he had noted in the film. "Helicopter, automobile, van, train, skis…"

Orihime was looking at him in astonishment. "What you noticed about the movie were all the different modes of transportation?"

"Well." Ulquiorra wasn't sure if he should admit what he found most fascinating about the film. "My primary interest was reserved for the use of weaponry in the movie. The guns that humans use to deal death at a distance are quite intriguing."

Orihime was frowning now. "Transportation and weapons? That was it? Didn't you find it romantic, how he and his wife built their own world and lived in it, just the two of them, for fifty years?"

He glanced at her. He hadn't really understood that part. It had sounded like merely an illusion, a false reality. Having followed Aizen for all of his short life, he thought of illusions as only dangerous and empty. But as he opened his mouth to explain, there was a sudden movement in the shadowed mouth of an alley ahead.

It was past midnight, and the Karakura streets were mostly deserted. The two men in the alley had been waiting for a suitable victim to pass their way, and the couple approaching was perfect. Well-dressed, laughing and not paying attention to their surroundings, the woman astonishingly beautiful and the man slight and pale, clearly a weakling who would not cause them any trouble.

The men stepped forth from the alley, guns visible in their hands. "Hand over your wallet," the large, burly one said to Ulquiorra. "And your purse too," he added to Orihime, who shrank back in dismay.

Ulquiorra stared at the two humans, his face more expressionless than usual. Annoying trash. They had rudely interrupted his conversation with the onna, and for that they would be punished. Then he hesitated. Orihime had said over and over again that she wanted him to talk before fighting in the human world.

"Of course we will not give you our possessions, trash. Now, get out of our way, because I do not want to waste my time destroying you." His voice was uninflected and quiet. "This is the only warning you will receive."

The larger man gaped at Ulquiorra for a moment, and then recovered himself with a laugh. "The little pipsqueak has some big words," he growled, then cocked his gun and pointed it at Ulquiorra's head. "Stop talking and hand over your stuff."

The other man had roughly grabbed Orihime's arm, and a short whimper escaped her. A glance at her showed that she was not frightened, of course, but she was in some distress at the situation. She looked at her companion with her brow furrowed. Ulquiorra sighed. He considered it likely that Orihime was more distressed at what he was about to do to the trash rather than afraid for herself. He took a second to consider what would be the best way to deal with the humans without disturbing Orihime further.

In a flash he had used sonido to extract their guns from their hands and place them on the ground behind the onna. It was possible those devices, once activated, could emit projectiles faster than he could evade them, and Szayel would bitch at him if he returned a damaged gigai to the storeroom. And he did not want to risk the chance that a bullet would strike Orihime before she had a chance to raise her shield. Perhaps once they had been disarmed, the humans would take the logical course of action and run away. He stood back and waited, observing them with a neutral expression on his face.

The two thugs gaped in shock at the sudden disappearance of their weapons and at the brashness of his words. But the bigger one laughed, looking down at the slender figure before him. He could still use his fists to beat him to a pulp. He advanced, his huge fists raised menacingly.

A very faint frown crossed Ulquiorra's face. It was not even worth the bother of raising his spiritual pressure against this trash. Besides, he knew the onna would not like him harming anyone, even these worthless humans.

The man grinned and swung his fist at him in his pitifully slow human way. Ulquiorra sighed, and then decided, with a sidelong glance at Orihime, that he would settle this the human way, without using his powers. He moved forward and met the man's fists. With one hit, his powerful right fist had shattered the man's jaw. Moments later, both of his opponents were on the ground, and he had not even had to raise his spiritual pressure once.

As they were walking away, Orihime glanced back at the two men groaning in the mouth of the alley. Her forehead was wrinkled. Ulquiorra had refused to allow her to heal them, although with some difficulty. "Shouldn't we at least call an ambulance?"

"Onna," said Ulquiorra, for once his annoyance surfacing enough that he forgot to call her Orihime, "those trash are not worthy of medical attention. They will recover rapidly, and—" With a flash of insight, he thought of the right thing to say to her, "hopefully they will have learned enough of a lesson that they will no longer attempt to prey on innocent humans. Otherwise, more people will suffer from their depredations."

She subsided doubtfully, with one last glance behind them. "Here," he said as they turned the corner, handing her the two guns he had brought with him from the scene, hoping to distract her. He was actually quite eager to examine them more thoroughly in his quarters in Las Noches. "Put these in your purse."

Orihime frowned at him and put her hands on her hips. "Men!" she exclaimed. "Why do you always insist on putting all your stuff in our purses? You make fun of us for carrying handbags instead of putting everything in our pockets, but it's only because you've got a handy packrat around! And I don't want to put those smelly guns in my purse. What if one of them goes off?" Her voice was indignant.

"Orihime." He had listened quietly throughout her little speech, and his voice was soft and reasonable. "If I have to carry them back in my hands all the way, I will not be able to open the garganta properly. It is merely the most efficient—"

"All right, all right," she grumbled, opening her purse, not wanting to hear another lecture on efficiency from him.

The rest of their journey back to Las Noches was uneventful. As they passed through the high gates of the palace, this time it was Ulquiorra who reached out a tentative hand to Orihime, and she gave him a pleased, shy smile before taking his cool hand in her warm one. Hand in hand, they threaded the still, empty passageways, accompanied only by their shadows as they passed beneath the wall sconces, and Ulquiorra finally thought he understood why Orihime wanted to hold hands. The touch of her warm fingers on his was both electric and soothing… and somehow profoundly satisfying.

But as they were walking the last corridors on the way to Orihime's room, a figure stepped out to confront them. On his face was an uncharacteristically furious expression.

"Ulquiorra." The quiet voice was deadly. "I'm going to kill you."

"Starrk." Ulquiorra's voice was emotionless again. "What makes you wish to violate Aizen-sama's rules and fight me here?"

Starrk's eyes narrowed. "Don't play games with me, Ulquiorra. I saw what you posted on your EspadaBook page." He moved forward. "You're going to die for that."


	3. The Zombie Apocalypse

**Days of Las Noches**

**Chap. 3: The Zombie Apocalypse**

**A/N:** I got a review from **BiblioMatsuri** after months of no comments on this story, and it inspired me to write another chapter. Thanks, Matsuri!

And thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed this story. It's a bit of a new direction for me, and your support really matters.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach.

(Originally posted 11/10/2012.)

XxXxXxX

Orihime stared open-mouthed at the normally placid Starrk as he moved forward, menace in his eyes, his reiatsu beginning to rise. Ulquiorra was unfazed.

"Why would I bother to waste my time on that trashy program?" he inquired in his usual monotone.

Orihime essayed a nervous smile as she mentally prepared to raise her shield. "Starrk-san, are you sure it was Ulquiorra who wrote on your page? Remember, there's been a lot of hacking on that site lately." She braced herself to withstand his spiritual pressure.

Ulquiorra had dropped Orihime's hand and put his hands in his pockets, appearing unconcerned about the threat. But Orihime noticed out of the corner of her eye that he had advanced in such a way as to protect her if an attack came.

Starrk hesitated, the rage in his face subsiding slightly. He looked at Orihime. "I shouldn't even mention in front of an innocent woman the horrible, disgusting things you said about Lily on my page."

"Starrk," said Ulquiorra patiently. "I have never used that piece of trash you call EspadaBook. Logically, it is impossible for me to have said anything about Lilynette in that venue."

The suffocating pressure in the corridor began to diminish slightly. The tall Espada's pale blue-gray eyes searched Ulquiorra's face. Then slowly, he let out a long sigh. "Of course," he said. "It must have been Ichimaru again." Abruptly, he reined in his spiritual pressure. Orihime noted that his skill at doing so had increased dramatically since Aizen had been giving him one-on-one tutoring. "I'm sorry," he said, and then began to walk away.

Ulquiorra resumed his steady forward pace and Orihime hastened to catch up, glancing at his face. It was unperturbed by a threat of death, as usual.

"What do you think Ichimaru-san wrote on his page?" she asked.

"Orihime, do not look at it. He said it was not appropriate for your eyes." Instantly, Orihime's curiosity fired up further.

"It must have been pretty bad. Starrk looked wide-awake," she commented.

"Ichimaru is simply bored by the lack of conflict, as we all are," he stated.

She slipped her hand back into his. "Is peace truly that boring for you?"

"We are all warriors. Aizen-sama created us for a single purpose. Ichimaru was trained for a hundred years for that same purpose."

A concerned expression appeared on Orihime's face as she considered this. Of course. It was only logical.

"We need to do something about that," she said decidedly.

A faint note of apprehension appeared on Ulquiorra's normally expressionless face.

XxXxXxX

"So!" Orihime said enthusiastically as she looked at the Espada sitting around the conference table with varying degrees of annoyance or boredom on their faces. Both Aizen and Gin were conspicuously absent, but Tousen was there to record the proceedings.

It had taken a few weeks before Orihime had managed to wear down first Ulquiorra, and then Aizen himself, convincing them to go along with her idea. She was still resolutely not looking at EspadaBook, but one of the lower Arrancar had informed her that once again Gin had hacked her page, changing her new title to "Her Almighty Highness Orihime Inoue, supreme dictator of Hueco Mundo."

She had decided to ignore the twinges of concern and go ahead with her plan anyway.

She gave a very bright smile to the assembled group of dangerous, powerful creatures, suppressing an inner tremble with a glance at Ulquiorra's impassive face. It was amazing how just being near him gave her confidence. And this was all for their own good, she reminded herself. "I know that a lot of you have been bored lately," she began, "with the result that there have been flare-ups and small violations of the peace treaty."

Grimmjow snorted. As she turned to him, the blue-haired Espada bared his teeth in a manic grin. "If I had anything to say about it, they would be_ large_ violations."

"Yeah," complained Nnoitra, "this peace treaty is the stupidest thing ever. We're here to fight." He pounded his fist on the table. "Hey! Who's up for a night of killing humans and seeing if we can get that blasted shinigami Kurosaki out for a real battle?"

There was a murmur of agreement around the table. Orihime stood up abruptly. Time to nip this in the bud. "No!" she said forcefully. "The peace treaty was put in place by Aizen-sama! Are you going to disobey his direct orders?" She glared at Nnoitra.

The lanky Espada shot a glance at Tousen, who was operating the recording equipment, and subsided.

"Good!" Orihime chirped, looking around the conference table one more time to make sure there was no more overt opposition. "Now then. Listen! We have a solution to your boredom! We are all going to have fun!" she announced dramatically.

At the miscellaneous groans from the group, she added, "This plan has been approved by Aizen-sama. So you're all going to participate, and you're all going to have fun!" She placed a mock glare upon her face as she eyed them all. "You're all going to have fun if I have to beat it into you!"

There was no response other than a few resigned sighs. Starrk had already fallen asleep, and he let out a slightly louder snore.

"Wait till you hear what I have to say!" she said, her voice rising with excitement. "You're going to love it." She paused for dramatic effect, but nobody seemed to notice. Grimmjow had pulled out a knife and was sharpening his claws. Szayel was typing busily on his iPad. Aaroniero's two heads were bubbling away peacefully in their container.

"We're going to play… Humans versus Zombies!" she announced, looking around brightly as though waiting for everyone to burst into cheers.

There was a baffled silence around the table. Starrk's snores increased in volume. "What the hell is that?" Zommari muttered in an undertone, but nobody paid any attention to him.

"Did you hear what I said?" she repeated. "I said, we're going to play this really cool fighting game played by college students in the real world, called Humans versus Zombies. Haven't you heard about it?"

Grimmjow scowled. "Of course not, dumbass. Why would we care about some stupid human game?"

"Because it's a way for everybody to fight without hurting each other!" exclaimed Orihime. "Humans are like you. Some buried, uncivilized part of us likes fighting and going to war. But nobody really likes the effects of war. So we invent games and sports that simulate war but without all the killing."

Nnoitra muttered, "Where's the fun if there's no killing?"

"What are 'zombies'?" asked Harribel.

The Espada all looked at Orihime. Her mouth dropped open. "You guys don't know about zombies? Haven't you been preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse? It's been in all the news lately! Don't you know about December 21, 2012?" She shook her head in amazement. "I've got tons of canned food stored, plus a cache of weapons and barricades to set up a defensive compound, and…"

They looked at her blankly. "Uh, okay. I guess you wouldn't know about that." She recovered. "Well, zombies are soulless monsters. They look like humans, but distorted," she explained. "All they want to do is eat humans, and the only way you can kill them is by shooting their head."

They were now all looking at her with sardonic expressions on their faces, and she blushed. "No!" she cried, waving her hands in front of her face. "They're not Hollows. I mean, it's a different set of legends, and—" She stopped. "Never mind! It doesn't really matter for the game. Just think of them as two teams of players." She gestured to Ulquiorra, who lifted a wicker basket onto the table with a long-suffering expression on his face. "Here is your equipment. You all get a paintball gun and a bandanna. If you get shot, you turn into a zombie and have to wear a bandanna."

Grimmjow snorted loudly, but he took the paintball gun and began examining it.

"What kind of pointless toy is this?" loudly complained Nnoitra. "It doesn't even maim or injure!"

Orihime frowned at him. "Just be glad we've changed the rules so we're not using Nerf foam pellets as they do in the real world so no one gets hurt. There are still some safety considerations to follow when using paintball guns-"

Grimmjow rolled his eyes. "Great. A bunch of stone killers playing with Nerf guns. That would go over well."

Around the table, the Espada were all looking curiously at this new type of weapon. Harribel took hers and cautiously cocked it, then sighted down the barrel. Then Grimmjow lifted his, pointed it at Nnoitra, and fired. A fluorescent green splotch appeared on Nnoitra's white uniform.

"Why you little bastard—" sneered Nnoitra, who in no time at all had figured out how to operate his weapon. Soon a matching stain had appeared on Grimmjow's uniform.

In the resulting chaos, Orihime had to shout to be overheard above the din. "No, no! You don't get to start now. The game begins tomorrow," but nobody heard her.

Then Ulquiorra stood up and raised his spiritual pressure. There was abrupt silence in the room as Grimmjow and Nnoitra gasped and stopped their antics. "Aizen-sama has approved this game," he stated into the sudden silence. "Therefore you all will participate, and you all will follow the rules."

"Eheheh," Orihime laughed a little nervously as no one spoke. "One of you will be designated in secret as the 'original zombie.'" The group all looked at each other. "So watch out for each other tomorrow morning."

"So what else is new?" Grimmjow yawned.

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**A/N:** Next time: Orihime teaches Ulquiorra the best strategy for the game. But will he find it in himself to turn her into a zombie? Oh, and the extent of Gin's hacking has not yet been fully uncovered. (Plus, I haven't yet decided who will be the original zombie. Any suggestions?)

Do you want me to continue this story? Please let me know, yes or no. Thanks!


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